So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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