My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
