My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
