the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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