well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
