Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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