You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
