Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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