just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
