I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
