Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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