I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
