first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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