there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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