The maid of honor just puked.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
