More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
