so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
