Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
