I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Randomize
