just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
