I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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