moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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