We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
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We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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