I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
