i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
