Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
