She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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