I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
