Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
