Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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