toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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