why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!