I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
