Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the day after is always just damage control
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
