Pregnant stripper...not hot.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
