I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
