I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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