i may or may not be watching the land before time
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
