it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
