yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
