she woke up with a sticky ear
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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