My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There r osticjed everywhere
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
