My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
