I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
