Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
