Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
