What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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