if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
