jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
