found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
