if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
