need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Someone stole a lamp last night.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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