The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
