all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
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yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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