How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just want to make out with him forever
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
