mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm too high and old for this...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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