she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
