Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
