Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
